Charlie's Asians

Here in Very Rich Megacity, fags in chat rooms and apps fall into 3 categories:

• those who say nothing about themselves;
• those who spell out their looks and drug cocktail; and
• those who portray themselves as a cut above;

The latter tweaked FuelMix’s attention.

Profile-wise these GAMs are generic - neither particularly attractive nor athletic. To their credit some will admit it, although the word “cute” appears somewhere in the profile on the off-chance of a carnal hookup.

Often, there’ll be a reference in their profiles to:

• “nice friends only” or  
• “friendly meetings” or  
• “looking for a meaningful friend” or  
• “like window shopping and cafes” or  
• “eating out, concerts, long walks”

What is striking about this group of average, generic GAMs is their use of slightly extravagant classically-inspired European online names to distinguish themselves from the semen-sucking hoi poloi. So you’ll find:

• Traviata
• Madrigal
• Dolce
• Il Giardino
• Zinfandel
• Icarus
• Chopin
• Mozart
• Turandot
• Puccini
• Bella Donna
• Prosciutto
• Antipasto, et al.

This collective online affectation conveys the unfortunate impression of the Vienna Conservatory of Music meeting Placebo (yeah you read it right) Domingo at the local Pizzeria.

These minus-average looking GAMs frequently market themselves to the Ageing (inevitably White) Fag. It’s a liaison instantly recognizable on the street by an ardent conversation of cultural pap, a yawning age difference, a menu and napkins.

They’ll be seated at a table where the GAM is usually perched on the edge of his chair, legs tightly crossed, his head resting in his palms, periodically emanating a coquettish laugh.

Alas, it’s not all tiramisu, crepes and chardonnay. The GAM is in direct competition with the other aesthetically-challenged GAMs hovering online or nearby.

The real-time dynamic is fascinating to observe. The GAM may genuinely seek a trusted older friend. From his slant eyed perspective, his online profile was clear: he’s looking for friendship first. Given how ugly he is, the truth is he’s not gonna turn heads cruising online or on the streets. He has to stress his personality above his pecs.

To him, the Ageing White Fag signifies prestige, a casual mentor from overseas, 7 days of companionship, a grope here and there, shared e-mail addresses, career advice. In return, the GAM gets to escape the confines of his conservative family, suggest a restaurant he’s always wanted to try, do some sightseeing and scatter pearls on the local cruising scene where the Ageing White Fag could find some swine.

To the Ageing White Fag, the quasi-platonic GAM is, in the scheme of things, pretty low maintenance. Some of these Ageing White Fags are frequent visitors to Very Rich Megacity and it’s convenient to have a sexually unattractive GAM on call to catch up on what’s happening. It’s like having a concierge without needing to tip, or a non-threatening wing man who can be counted on to supply background babble while his bi-focals do the cruising.

With several hundred flights a day into Very Rich Megacity, there’s no shortage of Ageing White Fags who’ve done their research on where to find local dick, without the inconvenience of a restaurant bill for 2 or the obligation to make scintillating conversation.

It’s a fine line. The GAM needs to feel needed and useful. The Ageing White Fag needs familiar company. It’s also a paradox: both are looking for an anchor without feeling chained.

Originally published 5 December 2008
Amended and Republished 20 April 2017

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