Is Monogamy Miserable ? 2

1.   Gay Monogamy - Sociological and Sub-Cultural

(1)   The Numbers Game

(2)   Resolving Cognitive Dissonance

(3)   Happily and Predictably UN-faithful....? Negotiating Gay Infidelity

(4)   Negotiating Infidelity is Hard Work.....???!!

(5)   ".....but we're emotionally faithful....."
(6)   When the Dam Breaks 

(1)  The Numbers Game

It's been said that men have a higher sex drive than women. Probably true. It's been said that gay men have a higher sex drive than str8 men.  Probably true.

Monogamy is a touchy issue for gay men because Faggotry at its core, is a sexual culture based on easy availability, thrill seeking and outright lust. It's a highly visual numbers game. Str8 guys go crazy figuring out how fags can get laid just on eye contact alone. Gay promiscuity, "casual encounters" and NSA hookups are the norm, not the exception.

(Yeah.....and just ask any str8 married guy exploring his "recreational gay side" on the "down-low" about NSA. They're ahead of the curve when it comes to re-examining their ideas about fidelity, even if they might be in denial about their sexuality.  They're more of them in the gay saunas than you might think and they're such pigs. When they show up, the wedding band goes in the locker and fidelity goes out the window).


(2)  Resolving Cognitive Dissonance

The concept of a relationship (no matter how badly a gay man quietly craves one) sets up a cognitive dissonance. He can't help it. On the one hand, tons of transient hot guys who fade in a blur of Kleenex, Grindr profiles, eye contact, wild sauna sex, heat-of-the moment What's App swaps next to the locker, Instagram friends, crumpled bits of paper with phone numbers and a first name .

On the other hand, that aching feeling for mutual honesty, stability, hot sex and.......commitment......the nagging realization that in Faggotry, a good man is (really, really) hard to find.

If one accepts the premise that grafting the concept of a monogamous relationship on 2 sexually raging gay men is dead at the starting gate, then negotiating infidelity makes perfect sense. Or, as Dan Savage seems to suggest (in Part 1) detouring around infidelity and attempting to quarantine it as a source of mutual strife.  Putting it another way, the greater (the relationship as a whole),  includes the lesser (sleeping around) but does not define it.


(3)  Happily and Predictably UN-faithful.....? Negotiating Gay Infidelity

So.....two fags get together in a relationship and decide that each will be able to sleep around.  That's the easy part. But how well do the majority of gay couples in an "open relationship" actually negotiate or articulate infidelity? We've written about the paradox where fags screeched for gays in the military to be open about their orientation, but chronically engage in "don't ask, don't tell" in their own um....."relationships". 

What are the elements of negotiated infidelity for gay men?  Some random thoughts:

(1)  If they're out together and see a hot guy:

• do they draw a distinction between being out on a date together (in which case, a bare minimum standard of fidelity applies and the hot guy is no more than eye candy) and just being downtown together in which case the hot guy is fair game?
• who gets him?....gay mens heads are always swiveling. And you thought The Exorcist was creepy........
• Is there a time limit within which sex with the hottie must be finished?
• Where do they have sex with the hot guy?
• Is a 3-some allowed?
• Can the other guy ask his partner for the hot guy's number too?
• Do they have to tell each other if one of them wants to see that hot guy again?
• Do they have to disclose to each other how much contact and online info they have about that hot guy?
• Does one of them have to disclose where he had sex with that hot guy?
• Since both of them spotted the hot guy, is one obliged to tell the other what happened and if it was good?
• If the agreement was that each could sleep around and use a condom, and in the heat of the moment, one goes bareback, does that have to be disclosed? What are the consequences?

(2)  If one is out alone and sees a hot guy:

• Does he have to disclose upfront to him that he's already "committed" but can sleep around by agreement?
• Does he have to disclose certain sexual kinks and practices that he won't do because of his "committed" status?
• Must either disclose their health status?

(3)  If one is out alone and wants to go to the sauna:

• Does he need to inform his partner or even get permission? 
• Does he need to make any subsequent disclosure? If so, what would it cover?

(4)  What if they run into each other at the sauna?

• What's the protocol for cruising, play and subsequent disclosure?
• What's the drug protocol in the sauna between the two of them?
• What if one wants group action and the other doesn't?
• Should they leave together?
• Is there a quota on the number of guys they can play with alone or jointly?

(5)  Disclosing Infidelity in Polite Company

• If they have an open relationship, what have they got to hide at a dinner party with friends or family?

(6)  Disclosing Negotiated Gay Infidelity to a Child or Teenager

• With some gay couples choosing to have children, what is the protocol for explaining why one Dad likes to go out alone and comes home late.....?
• How does one explain the apparent contradiction between Trust and Infidelity to a child or teenager?

 
(7)  STD and HIV Testing

• Since they're both sleeping around by mutual agreement, and may (or may not) have disclosed the extent of their cruising online, on the street, in the bars and in the sauna, how often should each get tested?
• Should both partners be tested together and be present at each other's test results?
• In the presence of a doctor or nurse, can one partner demand more information about the other's 
• sexual conduct based on the test results?

Coming Up in Part 3: 

(4)   Negotiating Infidelity is Hard Work.....???!!

(5)   ".....but we're emotionally faithful....."
(6)   When the Dam Breaks
Originally published 1 February 2014
Republished 7 November 2014

© Copyright 2006-2014 FuelMix All Rights Reserved