Talking to Adam 12

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years.  We're both in our 20s and we live together in a small flat.  We both work in retail.

We don't go to the bars because we really don't feel like it.  Are we faithful to each other....?  No, not really. I think from the beginning it was just assumed that both of us would sleep around.  It's a delicate subject for us.  We don't discuss it in case we get into fights.  I guess we approach sleeping around in the same way as going to the toilet for a piss and a shit.  Everybody does it and nobody kicks up a drama.

So, yeah...... I go to the saunas alone and so does he.  We don't discuss what we did with the other guy.  The two rules that we have is no kissing the other guy on the mouth and no anal sex, whether as top or bottom.

Sometimes we both go to the saunas together and play with the same guy.  But we only kiss and fuck each other.

But when I'm at the sauna alone, I'm terrified I'll run into my boyfriend.  I can't explain it......just terrified that I'll run into him.  Seems irrational because we both know we're doing it.

Sometimes I think of monogamy and whether that would be a cool thing.  But it seems that everywhere you look around in "gay culture" nobody wants it or they just brush it off and declare it would never work because all gay men are liars and cheats.

In the early mornings, when my boyfriend is sleeping next to me, I look at him with so much love and so much sadness.  I love him very much but I know he's cheating on me - and he knows I'm cheating on him.  Yeah, we have the rules about not kissing other guys on the mouth and not fucking him, but it's just "cheating with permission", or being "honest liars".

There are times I want to cry and say, "can we stop sleeping around and just sleep with each other....?" or "do you know how much I love you and want you all to myself....?".  But I'm too scared to say those words in case we have a fight and break up.  And we probably would.

I don't know why we can't talk about it.  I wish we could.  Why has "gay culture" painted me as an automatic liar and a cheat.....?  And then I'm supposed to act like one, because it's expected of me.

It's as if the whole thing is set up to do away with any kind of monogamous stable relationship.......so why the hell do these gay guys want "marriage".....??  It makes no sense to me.

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