No Nigga Thugz

It was a hot and humid night in Very Rich Megacity as FuelMix swept into the University of Fag Bar (pending accreditation) to take the roll call of the lost, the losing and the libidinous.

Nearby, a Banana chink and a nondescript white fag were bemoaning the lack of hunky, muscular nigga fag thugz in Very Rich Megacity. FuelMix thought of a number of correct – and politically incorrect - reasons why that might be so:

• Ghetto niggas in God’s Own Country are located halfway around the world from Very Rich Megacity. Their ghettos are different to the ghettos of Fagland. The nigga ghettos really are ghettos.

• Getting from there to here would be expensive. Many are jobless and don’t even have a passport. Other than welfare, they milk their cash from theft, muggings, small time extortion rackets, sale of stolen goods, drug dealing, whoring, pimping and making porn on the down-low.

• Nigga fag thugz live on the down-low. Many won’t even admit to sucking cock or eating ass, even though their faces are visible on nigga fag thug porn.

• On the plane ride over to Very Rich Megacity, nigga thugz would panhandle the white passengers for spare change.

• Whatever cash a nigga thug makes is blown on guns, bling, booze, drugs, pimping their rides, fucking niggarettes for free, fucking white bitches for cash and buying flat screen TVs they can shoot at. A nigga without his gun is like a nigga without his cock. Both are primed to fire several times a day.

• Even if a nigga thug arrived in Very Rich Megacity, where would he stay? Chinks are notoriously racist when it comes to renting out apartments – and let’s face it, niggas smell more than others. Not that it’s bad, they just do.

• There’s already a nigga ghetto in downtown Very Rich Megacity – packed with Ghanians and Nigerians who buy up second hand mobile phones by the truck load to re-sell them in Africa. They’re here on legitimate business.

• What skills does the average nigga fag thug from God’s Own Country have (other than the ones listed above)? Most of them don’t speak comprehensible English and nobody in Very Rich Megacity cares to speak ebonics.

• Possession of a firearm without a license is illegal in Very Rich Megacity. The Police here are very strict about that. The moment a nigga  thug revealed he was packing heat, he’d be shot dead.

• Nigga thugz in God’s Own Country make cash from selling false IDs. Here in Very Rich Megacity, there is a standard electronic ID Card with a microchip. By law it has to be carried at all times. It’s the only acceptable proof of ID. The Police can, and do, stop anyone at will to inspect their ID Card. The nigga thug runs when he sees Police. Another reason to be shot dead.

• Nigga thugz like to steal cars. There are tons of flash cars in Very Rich Megacity. Only thing is, the thieving nigga thug would have to compete - violently - with the Mainland Chinese triad syndicates who have a complete system of shipping cars (and presumably body parts) for disposal on the Mainland. Ditto for drug dealing.

• Nigga thugz luuv to rob 24 hour convenience stores. There are lots of 7-11s and Circle Ks here in VRM – including one that is so infested with African niggas that it’s like a cafeteria for them. It’s a nigga haven and any nigga thug from God’s Own Country who tried to rob it would be killed - by other niggas. That 7-11 is where the African niggas do their business deals 24/7 to export second hand mobile phones.

• It’s almost impossible to find a nigga in any other 24 hour convenience store in this city. So if one walked in and tried a stick-up…… where would he run and hide?

• There’s only a basic welfare system in Very Rich Megacity. Nigga thugz from God’s Own Country, for all their macho bravado and 10 inch cocks, cannot survive without sucking on the nipple of the state.

• Accusations of racial profiling when arrested wouldn’t work here.

• Nobody here gives a shit about Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson.

So, the reason there ain’t ghetto nigga thugz from God’s Own Country here in Very Rich Megacity, is because life would be too hard for them – and damn funny for the rest of us to watch.

Originally published 2 June 2010.  Amended and republished 25 October 2011.

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