What If..?

"You know the tragedy of being a gay man..?" sighed the 40s GWM, with whom FuelMix was only casually acquainted to the point that he didn't know or care about his name.....

FM:  I can think of several

40sGWM:  It's gay men's propensity to lie in general, and to lie about their age in particular

FM:  That's old news

40sGWM:  Yeah...I've lied about my age so many times, I've come to regret it

FM:  Why..?

40sGWM:  Well, at first I didn't care.  Hell, every gay guy out there lies.  The profiles online and on the apps.....how much of their stats are true..? 

FM: [shrugs] Who knows..?  I prefer the saunas.  You can size people up better and it's more time-effective.

40sGWM: Exactly, the majority of them know they're wasting time surfing profiles.  They know the failure rates are high.  It's a voyeurs game.  Very few will actually hook up because they've already assumed that each profile has lies in it.  Besides, before the apps came along, they got burned and conned pretty badly in chat rooms and Craigslist

FM:  Probably

40sGWM: But here's the thing...every now and then I run into a cute gay guy, maybe in the sauna or cruising on the street, or making eye contact somewhere. We start chatting generally about where we're from, what we do, where we live....we're having a really good conversation and he asks about my age. Straight off the bat, I lie.....I quote an age 10 years younger to see his reaction.  I prefer guys younger than me, 20-somethings or early 30s, so I don't wanna come across as too old and scare them away....so I drop 10 years immediately.  You know how it is with gay guys.  For some reason, in gay sub-culture, being 35 and over is the kiss of death.....god only knows where THAT came from...

FM:  Yep

40sGWM:  But the irony is that 20-something guy probably told me his correct age.  Since I've already lied to him about my age, I feel that I polluted the conversation or our sexual encounter and my behaviour towards him changes.....I start pushing him away socially and sexually.  Initially, it gave me a sense of power - that I could control my encounters - but the effect was that I got rid of some really good people and lost the chance of real friendships

FM:  Real friends in Fagland are hard to find.  But there's no shortage of flakes, liars, backstabbers and gossip queens

40sGWM:  Lately, I've been reconsidering my behaviour and wondering if I'm a coward for not having the courage to tell younger guys my real age, for fear they'll reject me as being too old.  In my quiet moments, I wonder if I'm just another fag lying my way through life or if I'm going through "gay menopause" or that I'm deep in denial because I'm over that dreaded age of 35 and can't bear to face the facts

FM:  Denial runs real deep in Fagland.  It's a hedonist-based culture.  It's based on looks, apparent youth, drugs, partying and sex.  After a certain age, they arbitrarily marginalize you - not realizing that they're gonna reach that age too and probably look like shit

40sGWM: These days I've been wondering what if I had the courage to tell him straight up what my real age was..?  What if he just accepted me as I am...?  What if  I was strong enough to handle his rejection because I was too old for him...?  What if I behaved as if I was genuinely proud of my age..?  What if I really didn't care what people thought of my age..?  What if I didn't lie to the younger guys about my age any more..?  What if I actually made some really nice, younger friends..?
I'm not proud of the way I've acted.  Something has to change.....I can't go around lying to myself as a gay man, even though gay culture is based on lies

FM [dripping with sarcasm]:  Wow...! A white guy with a conscience.....who would have thought..??

40sGWM [grins]:  You hate us whites don't you..?

FM [grins]:  Sorry, it's just a "preference"

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