Frustrated, Fat, Gay Filipino
FuelMix in conversation with a Filipino here in Very Rich Megacity:
As you can see, I'm nothing to look at. After years of anguish in my childhood and in my teenage years, I'm comfortable admitting it. Being gay and below-average looking, is a double curse. And being Filipino, adds a third layer.
So.....here I am.....short, fat, really dark, a bit hairy, too ugly to be gay. Other Filipinos comment how dark I am and that really hurts. I mix with them socially, but not one of them asks if I'm married or dating anyone. I suspect they've concluded I'm not good looking enough to get anyone anyway. I guess I'm too ugly to be straight as well.
Finding a social group when your own people don't relate to you is tough. I went to church a few times because many Filipinos are Roman Catholic. The people were very nice and welcoming. Some innocently asked if I was half-black.....I was stunned. I replied that I was totally Filipino and they seemed embarrassed. Maybe because I'm dark and have a wide flattish African-looking nose.....I don't blame them.....but it still hurts.
I stopped going to church because I couldn't find the gay guys and their social gatherings bored me. Sometimes it gets intensely lonely and you can't go into confession and tell the priest that you're an unhappy gay man. What's he gonna say...? How many Hail Mary's is he going to prescribe for emotional pain..??
There are days I feel depressed about my physical appearance as a gay man. Looks are everything in gay culture and gay men can be vicious about whether you measure up in their eyes.
In the Philippines, if you go into a gay bar and you're dark like me, the lighter skinned Filipino guys won't come near you. These are the ones who claim to have Spanish blood in them and think they are a cut above. On their Grindr profiles, they'll say they are "Asian-Latin" or "Asian-Spanish" Several times, I've experienced them physically turning their backs on me as I approached......and I was only walking past them...!!
I think the reason they try so hard to present themselves as "Asian-Latin" or "Asian-Spanish" is because outside the Philippines, the Filipinos are regarded as inferior - even though we may be university graduates from our own country. We work overseas as domestic helpers, waiters, cooks, musicians, singers, dancers, shop assistants, staff on cruise ships, hotel workers. In so many ways, we keep business and the economy going. We work long hours, put up with abuse and don't get paid much.
In Hong Kong the Chinese perception of Filipino inferiority is very strong. It is racism and as an ethnic minority here, it's not surprising. What hurts is the racism amongst gay men in this city, particularly in the hookup apps like Grindr. I've had comments like, "Sorry too dark" or "too black for me" or they just go quiet if I say "Filipino" when they ask my ethnicity. Others sent me messages saying, "I've seen lighter skin Filipinos, so you must be half-black right..?" That really hurts because they think I'm hiding something when I'm not.
On the positive side of Grindr, I have met other chubby guys socially. They're sort of casual buddies.
Sexually, I'm a Bottom. If I show up at Central Escalator, I can get action in the steam room from white guys. I just kneel on the ground and wait for anybody to fuck my mouth. I found that since I'm not the hottest guy around, cruising doesn't work for me. Instead, it's better if I stay somewhere darker like the steam room or the Dark Room, get on my knees and wait to be face fucked. If the guy is really horny, I'll offer my ass and a condom and let him fuck me publicly.
For guys who are not that good looking, being a Bottom is better. Your mouth and ass can always be used as the fuckholes of last resort.
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