Talking to Adam 6

As much as I need casual sex with guys, I really hate it.......

You meet a hot guy in the sauna in the clubs or on the street - and that's after you've discounted all the rest - you hook up with him, the attraction is there, the sex is wild, you swap numbers..........and then it all goes cold.  The guy acts like you don't exist, doesn't reply to your text messages.....Zip.

I'm not looking for a BF, all I'm looking for is a connection.  In that moment that the 2 of you are together, you can really feel something special - it kinda goes beyond the hookup.......you know that feeling......? Sounds cliched like out of the pop songs but seriously, it really is the touch of his hands, the way he breathes and looks into your eyes, the scent of his skin..........

You just ache for a connection..........I don't know how else to put it......that emptiness is the longing for a connection, just some hint that he recognizes you and respects you as a human being.

That's the thing I'm suspecting about the gay scene and gay culture. The whole thing is set up to be contrived and superficial. Smile a lot, look hot, lie a lot, then turn cold.  Everyone's disposable, just like a condom.  Don't ask too many questions, God forbid that you might want to see the guy again just because you like his vibe...........oooooh no, fuck that, put on your cruising shoes and go find the next one.  Rinse and repeat.

There's such a huge chasm and contradiction between aggressive anonymous sex and a stable relationship.  Best as I can tell, gay culture - even though they scream about the right to have Gay Marriage - isn't about stability or any meaningful form of sharing.  The "stability" is being able to predict which sauna or club you'll show up at on a Saturday night, and the "sharing" is whether you're into groups or getting gang-banged.

All I'm asking for is a connection.  I'm not looking for marriage.  I don't need fancy names like "Friends With Benefits" that those losers put on Craigslist ads.  It's just,  "I like your vibe, I'd like to see you again, maybe hang out, cuddle a little, kiss a little, talk a little, go out once in a while.  If you'd like sex with me again, I'd love that too. I'm not putting any pressure on you to be your boyfriend.....I just liked you and I wanna know you......goddammit is that too much to ask.....?"

It gets painful after a while, it really does.  How can these gay guys have such a misguided view of what Pride is and show no respect to another gay guy.....?  I mean not even simple fuckin' good manners, OMG.......

After a while, you just get turned off by anything gay. 

The other day, I was in the subway and these 2 European gay guys in their 20s were standing next to me.  They were foreign tourists but speaking to each other in accented English.  Overhearing them, it was clear that they weren't a couple, they'd been to the gay saunas and clubs, were comparing notes, how many guys they'd fucked and left.

For some reason, I couldn't handle it.  I just moved away.

And that's how I feel inside........like I'm moving away from all this gay "culture" and the degradation that seems to be a part of it.  I dunno......maybe I'm too sensitive........ or maybe I'm just waking up.......