Your Call Is Important To Us

Dial Number...........**Ring, Ring**, **Ring, Ring**

Pre-recorded cheery voice:  Hello..! You've reached the Fagland Community Counseling Centre. Listen to the menu options and make your selection...

If you are an Obsessive-Compulsive Fag:  press 1 repeatedly.

If you are a Co-Dependent Fag:  please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you are a Fag With Multiple Personalities:  press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are a Paranoid Fag:  we've already traced your call, we know who you are, where you live and what you want.

If you are a Delusional Fag:  press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are a Schizophrenic Fag:  listen carefully to the little voice in your head, and it will tell you which number to press.

If you are a Manic-Depressive Fag:  press any number you like.  Nothing's gonna make you happy anyway.

If you are a Dyslexic Fag:  press 969696969696969696......

If you are a Bi-Polar Fag:  leave a message before the beep and a message after the beep.  Yeah, we know.  The strobe lights at the rave set you off.

If you are a Fag With Short Term Memory Loss:  press 8.  We'll say it again, press 8.  OK, we'll repeat it, press 8.

If you are a Fag With Low Self-Esteem:  HAHAHAHAHA!!  you think we wanna talk to a loser like you?

If you're a Nigga Fag:  we've done black and never looked back.  So if you've got a bro who's tight and a thug and on the down-low, bring him over too.  Just keepin' it real, dude.

If you're a Drug-Fucked Circuit Party Fag:  pick up today's newspaper and you'll discover which month, what day and what date it is.

If you're an Asian Fag:  sorry we're not into Asians.  It's a preference.

If you're an Ageing Fag:  No one over 35, sorry.

If you're a Wannabe Porn Star Fag:  please bring along your stats, together with a recent face and body shot plus a short description of what you're into.

If you're a Gay Escort:  we wanna see your online ad first and we don't accept calls from anonymous numbers.

If you're a Diseased Fag:  yeah it sucks that we didn't tell you our status before infecting you.  Que sera, sera.  But hey, you were on Poppers, Ecstacy and Viagra anyways.

If you're a Drug-Fucked Fag:  your dealer is on Speed Dial.

Press the # key to repeat the choices.

(modified from the original, author unknown, no copyright claimed)

Originally published 26 September 2010
Republished 19 July 2013 | 12 June 2017