When Bisexuality Is Moot

FuelMix always finds white English fags pathetically entertaining. Nothing beats the sheer depth of phobic, tortured, sexual self - suppression that is the emotional hallmark of a deeply closeted, miserably misogynistic, but oh-so-stiff-upper-lipped English fag. 

And so it was, that FuelMix found himself next to one perched at the University of Fag Bar (pending accreditation). The elderly white English fag leered at FuelMix in that peculiar post-colonial way: a combination of lust, loss and bafflement. 

Finally, the fag’s stiff upper lip crumbled. In that strangled English accent typical of the gentry, he leaned towards FuelMix, apologized for being so forward and observed that FuelMix did not look gay.

Asked what he was looking for, fag said that he liked to study people to figure out if they were gay. He had no faith in his “gaydar”, claiming it was too mystical and he preferred to analyze. 

He stated that his analytical technique was a substitute for sex – which he hadn’t had in 15 years on the basis that sex was too physically dangerous, what will all the diseases and stuff, and since he was bisexual, he didn’t wish to be found out. 

FuelMix could barely control his laughter. Going to such lengths to protect one’s reputation and genitals, was certainly admirable. The problem was the fag was now living in his head, engaging in chronic mental masturbation and a bisexual fantasy which he claimed was orientation-analysis. 

The look of incredulity must have been evident on FuelMix’s exotic features. The fag proffered an apology, hoping he hadn’t offended. 

“Not at all”, replied FuelMix, swivelling off the bar stool. “We are highly amused”. 

Originally published 19 August 2007.  

Amended and Republished 27 March 2012  |  2 April 2014

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