Made To Measure

After several months of getting a life, FuelMix dropped into the University of Fag Bar (pending accreditation). The alumni welcomed him with open mouths. Some grinned and bent over. Others lay on their backs and spread their legs. There was no shortage of the superficial sexual camaraderie for which fags are renowned – and rightfully despised. FuelMix had long ago observed that when the chips were down, just like a weak currency with nothing to back it, a fag's words and actions were subject to a breathtaking and inevitable depreciation.

So, like a good politician FuelMix gladhanded, caressed, hugged and kissed his way through the miscellany of fag trash before finding a perch from where he could nurture a whisky on the rocks, glean blog material and mercifully, be left alone – or so he thought.

A visiting fag in his 20s with a seriously built gym body, noticed FuelMix's serious gym results and came over to chat, compliment and ogle. The other fags in the bar leered in disgust, having thought they'd lost their chance to bed the hottie. The generic white fag was gushing at the sensory overload of Very Rich Megacity. He was also horny and exhibited the nuance and ritual of a fag in heat: sustained eye contact, moving in closer to chat, lightly brushing against FuelMix, feeling FuelMix's muscles, spouting the right compliments, discussing gym workouts, demonstrating on himself and FuelMix the body parts they built. The bar fags continued to leer.

It was all pretty harmless. The fag was on the game and FuelMix was letting him run on a long leash. But there was one niggling characteristic : the fag was a walking self-statistician. Having spent hours in the gym, he had meticulously measured himself from head to toe and had the increasingly annoying habit of peppering his verbal foreplay with his body measurements.

Fag: So yeah.....if you do the decline press correctly, it really builds the lower chest. My lower chest is ----------inches and my upper chest coz of the other exercises I told you about is -------------- inches....

FM: Uh huh......

Fag: So have you like measured your upper and lower chest?

FM: No, not lately

Fag: Oh dude, you should. Then you can decide on how you want your waist to be. Mine is like -------- inches. You have a great proportion betweeen your waist and chest too......looks really hot …

FM: Thanks..........

Fag: Yeah, I'd say your waist was ---------- inches

FM: Sounds about right.

Fag: I really love your ass.....I mean the way it fills your jeans. You do squats and stuff?

FM: Yeah really kills your legs if you do it right.............

Fag: Oh totally, my quads are like ----------inches and my calves are -------------- inches

FM: You really know your body parts

Fag (stroking his crotch): Especially the part that counts. It's about 8 inches cut, thick.

FM: Kinda curious about something......

Fag: Yeah......?

FM: How big is your heart...?

Originally published 27 October 2009.  
Republished 8 November 2011 |  3 January 2014