Not Quite Bacchus

It’s one of the drawbacks of being (very..?) good looking that FuelMix attracts fat, white, middle-aged drunks. At first, it was embarrassing to admit it. They weren’t even his type. What the hell was FuelMix doing wrong..? And why was it that one fat, white, middle-aged drunk, hanging around FuelMix like a bad smell, inevitably attracted another...? 

The answer was soon forthcoming. Arriving at the University of Fag Bar (pending accreditation), FuelMix staked out his table. Most of the time, FuelMix tends – and prefers – to sit alone. It’s a great way to people watch and collect data for the blog. But it also triggers resentment. A fag deliberately sitting alone in a bar is considered stand-offish. And a dude as good looking as FuelMix, who chooses to sit alone, is deemed doubly arrogant and unapproachable. 

So what better way to approach a hot looking dude in a fag bar than to stagger up to them, thoroughly pissed, red-faced and slurring? This, according to a fat, white, bearded, entirely average-looking inebriate from God’s Own Country who proceeded to bore FuelMix to death with a stream of incoherent drivel. The drinks may be cheap, but the words are even cheaper. There’s even amnesia as an excuse and there’s nothing like alcohol-fuelled courage to take the sting out of rejection. These drunken fags can be very persistent. Selective deafness is one characteristic. 

For the hottie dude on the receiving end, it’s a triple curse: 

• First, it’s almost impossible to get rid of the fat, white, middle-aged, drunken fag without giving up a prime piece of real estate:
• Second, the chances of attracting the attention of other studs is zero;
• Third, all the other fags in the bar snicker and point; 

It’s a strange quirk of irony that as oblivious as he is to the embarrassment he’s causing you, the fat, white, middle aged drunk is fully cognisant of the attention of the snickering patrons – and that only goads him into hanging around longer.  

Originally published 28 October 2007.  
Republished 4 November 2011 | 31 January 2014

© Copyright 2006-2014 FuelMix All Rights Reserved