(Another) Table For One

On his way to dinner at an upmarket Teppanyakki restaurant here in Very Rich Megacity, FuelMix decided to have an aperitif at the University of Fag Bar (pending accreditation). FuelMix always likes to have a drink before tackling the hot or cold sake at the Japanese restaurant and was positively salivating at the prospect of what his cooked-right-in-front-of-you Teppanyakki order would look like. On evenings like this, life was truly meant to be savoured. 

Minding his own business whilst drooling before dinner, FuelMix was spied by a horny white fag looking for action. Fag spouted the usual pleasantries, the what-do-you-do? shit, how mind blowing Very Rich Megacity is, what-he-does, how hot FuelMix looked, does FuelMix work out? Duh….and which hotel fag was staying at………… 

FuelMix was gratified by the attention, but for reasons already mentioned, was not fully invested in the conversation. 

Fag did the usual moves – the caress on the wrist, stroking FuelMix’s chest and abs, complimenting FuelMix’s clothes, stroking FuelMix’s hair – and was simply getting nowhere in his attempts to negotiate a post-dinner hookup. 

Visibly frustrated that FuelMix was fantasizing over dinner rather than dick, fag made a last-ditch attempt to ferret what FuelMix looked for in a man for the long term. FuelMix rolled his eyes, wishing that he could save his breath and simply hand over a Powerpoint presentation on his Notebook. But, in the interests of transient bonhomie, FuelMix acquiesced and commenced his recitation.

Appetizer:

• No facial hair
  No tattoos
  No piercings
  No uncut guys
  No smokers
  No chronically medicated ghetto-lifestyle diseases

Chef’s Recommendations:

• No poppers
  No weed
  No crack
  No crystal
  No heroin
  No ecstacy
  No amphetamines of any colour
  No criminal record

Soup

• Executive Summary or Resume
  Comparable standard of academic and professional education
  Verifiable academic and professional history
  Verifiable Net Worth Statement
  Independently owned income producing assets

Main Course (1) Seafood

• Well travelled and culturally openminded
  Fluency in another language, a plus

Main Course (2) Meat Dishes

• Excellent grooming
  Dark hair, dark eyes, some skin colour preferred
  A body worth taking a second look at, no matter what the age
  Smooth back
  Above average, age-appropriate dress sense
  Non-embarrassing, non-ghetto mannerisms
  Ability to remember that the “Valley Girl” impersonation is just that
  Classy public displays of affection, ideally non-flaming
  Medical history
  Regular physical and STD checks
  Ongoing development of Emotional Intelligence

Sorbet

• Keeps his word, especially on the little things
  Punctuality
  Knows how to budget himself
  Knows how to apologize without lying
  Can be left alone without becoming suspicious
  Can be left alone without arousing suspicion
  Not as needy as a Golden Retriever

Dessert (1)

• Honest about his family
  Show who is friends are.
  If he’s a loner, or doesn’t have many, say so

Dessert (2)

• Monogamy. Period.
• Pre- nuptial agreement
• Does not insist on living together
• Knows what Trust actually means
• Admits emotional vulnerability without alleging emotional abuse.

Petit-Fours, Coffee, Tea, Liquers

• A hobby would be nice
  Provocability and a judicious fiery temper
  Sex with sweat and tears, toys & lube, kink & raunch
  Lives the difference between sexuality and sensuality
  Must know when to cuddle and when to back off
  Knows how to read and does.

Predictably, the fag’s jaw dropped and he knew he hadn’t a chance. He shouldn’t feel too bad.

After all, just how many times would FuelMix be on the A-List of ghetto fags holding an after-party in the rental building’s Jacuzzi, fondling each other while singing Rick Astley or Kylie, pigging out on takeaway hors d’oeuvres, then adjourning to kneel around the living room coffee table with glass straws up their nostrils, before vomiting and passing out on the carpet?

Never.

All of a sudden, FuelMix remembered he had a table for one waiting at that Japanese restaurant.  

Originally published 6 May 2008.  
Amended and Republished 12 October 2011
2nd Amendment 14 April 2013