And The Band Stayed On

By way of a completely unscientific observation, FuelMix noticed a huge increase in the numbers of married men hanging out at gay saunas. In the interests of blog research, FuelMix just had to talk to these specimens to find out what gives. 

FuelMix has labelled these people "BAQs" ("Breeders Acting Queer"). They share certain characteristics:

• Absolutely appalling physical shape and grooming. BAQs may not realize the high premium fags place on body image. Either they’re unwilling to do anything about it or, as FuelMix discovered, they can’t do very much about it, because the wife and teenage kids will get suspicious of Daddy’s extreme buff makeover.

• The official story some BAQs tell their wives is that they’re going to the “gym sauna”. Some actually take the precaution of joining a bona fide fitness centre so that they can produce a gym card to the wife if questioned. Some do go to the gym – but then head to the gay sauna afterwards.

• The wedding band can’t come off. It’s faintly pathetic to watch a BAQ in a sauna with a crummy looking wedding band visible from swollen pudgy fingers.

• Terrible cocksuckers. In fact, the first few times a BAQ hits the gay sauna, they suck like women. It’s just awful. Push them away and move on.

• Some realize just how bad they are and how little they know about pleasuring a man. To their credit, they ask to be taught how to suck cock. They’re eager learners and quickly become addicted to cock. In fact, they become so needy, they act like Golden Retrievers desperate for appreciation. Frequently, for the sake of discretion and to cut down on STDs, they’ll offer to be regular on-call cocksuckers.

• As time goes on, these BAQs turn into real pigs. They’re in Discovery-Mode and the apparent freedom and sheer unbridled hedonism of gay sex, hits with full force. High School locker room sex pranks and circle jerks were never like this. Suddenly, Middle Age and Male Menopause doesn’t feel that bad anymore. The wife may be at the Bridge Club, the kids may be at college, but Dad will be on his knees on the other side of a glory hole unable to believe his luck.

• Professionally, many BAQs position themselves for frequent travel. It’s the perfect ruse. There’s no shortage of ads on Craigslist and other sites, whereby a MWM on a business trip (or a self-described "jock" with a GF "back home") is looking for another MWM (or jock, or "masculine" guy) in a similar position, for discreet action in their (classy) hotel room, or to meet in a bar and head off to the gay sauna, or the hotel sauna.

• Paradoxically, a BAQ who shows up at a gay sauna, can also turn extremely paranoid. You’ll find them lurking in the darkest corners, covered in at least 2 towels. They won’t move, they won’t twitch. They avoid eye contact. They don’t initiate sex. They stand motionless, breathing in a peculiar shallow way, but taking everything in. The look on their face is a combination of shock, horror, envy, admiration and despair. Bright lights are death to these ones. You’ll find them going to great lengths to avoid flashing their wedding band.

• Some BAQs turn annoyingly cocky at a sauna. They cling to this notion that because they can fuck pussy, they’re more manly than fags. They’ll strut around in their misshapen, flabby “hetero” nakedness looking for “a boy” to pander to their needs. Some can be quite aggressive in their cruising and will only respond to blunt rudeness before they get the hint that they’re neither attractive nor desirable.

Are these BAQs gay...? OOoooh NOOooooo…..!! That’s NOT how they identify themselves. Many are reluctant to call themselves Bi as well. Their justification is that they’re just looking for some recreational M2M action that’s all. To which FuelMix’s response is, “So why not tell your wife and kids what your recreational activity is..? After all the wife tells you she’s going to the Bridge Club doesn’t she..?” Is the “gym sauna” line the best you can do..?  

Face it, BAQ, sexually and emotionally you're a closet fag.  That's why the wedding band stays on.  Learn to kiss my ass, or go back to kissing the bride.  

Originally published 12 March 2008.  
Amended and Republished 25 October 2011 | 10 July 2017

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