Talking To Adam 9

I'm in my late 40s and live at home with my parents.  I have a steady job as a middle ranking white collar professional.  I'm gay and always have been.

When I was in my 20s and 30s, I used to go to one of the high end gyms here in Very Rich Megacity close to the business district. My gaydar would pick out who the gay guys were.  I'd make it a point to hang out with them in the gym and chat to them. They were very friendly. But I hid my sexuality and was really careful about my behaviour and mannerisms. I really didn't want anyone to know or suspect that I might be gay. The closest I got to having any contact with them was when I'd invite them for a beer after the gym. Not one of them enquired about my sexuality, so I guess I did a pretty good job of hiding it - or maybe they already knew and were too polite to mention it openly.

Some of the gay guys in the gym had amazing bodies and I was grateful that they hung out with me afterwards. I was just skinny or slim. The str8 guys were jealous of them.  It was well known in the gym that the gay guys were having sex in the showers and in the steam room. The management did nothing about it and probably even encouraged it because at the time, that gym was very popular with gay guys.

The str8 guys were horny just thinking about the action in the locker room, jealous that they couldn't get it and angry because it was taking place right under their noses. Since I chatted regularly with the gay customers, they assumed I was pretty harmless and several times I witnessed action in the locker room and steam room.  I was never invited to join in, but they didn't stop when they saw me. But they'd get real pissed off when a str8 guy would appear.

It was also rumoured that the gay guys had hooked up with some of the gay-curious or bi hunky personal trainers in the gym, who had their own network of other muscled personal trainers. The talk was that the gay guys and the personal trainers would meet for group fun at a sauna or somebody's apartment. Again, I was never invited.  I guess I didn't look the part - and I still don't, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was actually going on.

My parents didn't and still don't have a clue that I'm gay and always have been.  That's because for a few years in my 20s and 30s I had a steady girlfriend whom I had introduced to my parents. I'm not exactly sure why I started dating women.  Perhaps it was me attempting to deny my sexuality, or trying to cope in some way by "managing" it. Anyways......for all intents and purposes, I was str8 and my parents didn't suspect a thing - other than suspecting that I'd get married, which I haven't. And they haven't questioned it.

At work, nobody suspected a thing. They all knew I went to the gym,'coz they'd seen my gym bag but so what....? Some knew that I had a girlfriend and had casually met her. There was the usual office banter of "what are you doing this weekend?".  I had the standard answer that I was going out with my girlfriend.  She'd show up with me at some of the office events too, so that helped my cover.

I was never buffed or muscled.  I was just kinda slim.  I didn't dress flash or in high fashion, I kinda went out of my way to dress drab or at best, just ordinarly even though my girlfriend kept nagging me to smarten up and dress more trendy. We had fights about that.  She didn't know what I was actually protecting and I couldn't tell her.

I was really careful........I didn't watch porn on home computers. I kept porn mags and sexy underwear in a safe deposit bank in the bank.  When I was feeling horny, I'd go to the bank at lunch time, take out the porn and the underwear, put it in an official looking re-sealable envelope marked "Private" and addressed to a fictitious person with a real address. The envelope would be placed in a locked briefcase when I returned to the office and that briefcase never left my sight at work.

After work, I'd take the briefcase to an hourly hotel, take out the porn, put on the underwear and jack off for about 2 hours. Then I'd go home.  Again, the locked briefcase never left my sight and was put under the bed overnite. The next day I'd go to work and drop into the bank, put the porn and underwear back in the safe deposit box and pretend nothing had happened.  I did this for a few years. I built up quite a collection of gay porn mags.  But I was still a gay virgin.

I was sleeping with my girlfriend but the sex was pretty bad. Everytime I was fucking her, I kept thinking about the gay guys in the gym or the guys in the porn mags. I wanted to be fucked by them.  I knew in my heart that I was actually a gay bottom and  I knew I was living a lie. My girlfriend picked it up pretty quickly that I was a lousy lover.  For a while she didn't say anything. On one occasion, I found a couple of ads from Chinese and European male escorts in her jacket pocket that she'd asked me to take to the dry cleaners.  Something told me she was sleeping around and I was to blame.  I was just too terrified to say anything.

We broke up when I was in my mid-30s. She was pretty blunt about it and said I was lousy in bed, didn't have a body that appealed to her and didn't dress up to her taste. It hurt at the time because I knew I had hurt her as well and she'd probably put up with me far longer than she needed to.  At the same time, I was relieved because I only had to deal with my family who were pretty much under control.

From my mid-30s onwards, I started going to the gay saunas around town. I had already realized I was a bottom and a very submissive one.  I just love to serve muscular guys from head to toes.  As you can see, I'm not much to look at, other than being slim but I am very, very submissive and openminded.  I still go to the gym, but not as frequently as I used to.

I need to work on my gag reflex and I can't suck large cocks deep even though I really want to.  For fucking, medium sized cocks work best for me although I really wish I could take the larger ones. I compensate for that by bodyworshipping, armpit licking and deep rimming for a long time.

Although I show up at the gay saunas, I'm still very closeted. I'll keep up appearances by going out socially with women - usually in a group with other guys, but sometimes on my own. And I tell my parents that I'm going on a date. It's sorta true, I guess.  I haven't slept with another woman since breaking up with my girlfriend about 10 years ago.

It's the weirdest feeling........sometimes I don't know who I am as a person or as a professional.  But I know exactly who I am sexually.........I am a very submissive gay bottom.  That's not gonna change anytime soon. And I'll still continue to hide my sexuality even though it's driving and modifying my behaviour in all other aspects of my life.

I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this.  Even though I'm true to myself sexually, my life still feels out of balance.  I don't even want to talk about coming Out.  I wouldn't know how to.

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