Talking To Adam 2

I didn’t really have much of a family life…....I’m the only son and my parents divorced when I was very young.  Both of them re-married and so I have step-siblings on both sides.  I don’t know where I fit in because I still see myself as the only true child of my parents.  Sounds weird doesn’t it…..? But that’s how I feel.

I still see my parents from time to time and I take time off work to do it.  I get asked the usual shit of whether I have a GF and when I’m gonna get married.  I just laugh it off but deep down I’m uncomfortable with those questions.  Several times I’ve lied and said I’ve got a GF or that I recently broke off with one and that I was still getting over her and didn’t want to talk about it.  That was enough to shut them up for the moment.

I’m getting tired with having to come out with those lines.  I wish I had the guts to tell my parents I’m gay, but I don’t.  Even if I did have the guts, they’d never accept it.  I’m terrified that since they’ve re-married and have new families of their own, they’ll just reject me.  I’ve always been lonely and if my parents rejected me, even though I’m a working adult, I’m not sure I could handle it.  Several times I thought of killing myself to get out of their way and avoid the awkwardness of having to tell them and live with their disappointment and anger.

I knew by the time I was about 7 years old that I was gay.  I didn’t have the right word for it at the time……..I only knew that I found other boys really attractive in a way I couldn’t explain.  I’d look at them and stare at them in class or in the playground or when they were doing sports.  There was just something about a man’s body that hooked me immediately.  As I grew older and went through high school, I would just keep looking at the athletic dudes – the swimmers, the soccer players, the rugby guys.  I’d been staring at these guys since we were kids and I’d quietly admire and worship their bodies from a distance…….how they were developing into athletes but somehow I wasn’t.

I couldn’t compete – they had great bodies, all sorts of friends, they got dates, invited to parties, seemed to have a good home life.  I didn’t have any of that.  I was sad pretty much every day, lonely as hell, just aching for another guy my age who would understand my feelings.  I pretty much withdrew from school social life and just studied.  Anything to get out of that place.

I started looking at the older athletic guys in school, the ones who were ready to go on to college.  They had that confident manly swagger that I found extremely attractive.  Some of them were really nice and helpful to junior guys like me.  It was the first time that an older stranger had paid me any attention in a respectful way.  I’d develop a mad crush on him and think I was in love.  I’d go out of my way just to run into him in the corridor and rehearse a spontaneous conversation in my mind with him.  Sounds really dumb and stupid doesn’t it?  I’d end up blurting something asinine, and that hot guy would just laugh and go to his next class.  If i was really lucky, I’d get to walk alongside him for a couple of minutes and then look into his eyes and wave to him as I went to my class.  Sometimes I’d feel a connection and just wanted to hold him.  But that would have gotten me killed.

I found myself fantasizing about older guys more often rather than just the sporty boy types in my class.  That’s how I got into older guys and that’s what I’m still into.

Now that I’m older, the guys I’m into are still older than me.  Sometimes by quite a bit.  My tastes have changed too………I realize that some older guys are not in the best shape or the best looking…..and that’s OK.  Now that I’m into much older guys, I don’t look at the muscular jocks at all.

Some of the older guys I’m drawn to aren’t in the best of health.  But they’re very kind and gentle.  I don’t want their money, I’ve got a good job and a good income, I’m not a gold digger and I’ve never done drugs.

My sex life isn’t wild or hot.  With some older guys I’ve dated, some of them can barely get it up.  I’ve learned not to expect too much in sex and we’ve never discussed monogamy.  Why bother….?  I’ve been betrayed enough times by older guys anyways.  They have their insecurities.  I have mine.  They want their little toyboy from time to time.  I’ve learned to live with it.  That’s what I hate about gay culture………..the way that betrayal is institutionalized.  You’re supposed to shrug it off and pretend it’s not killing you.  Fuck them.  It hurts like hell.

What I really want from an older man is that sense of  acceptance, stability and caring – even if only for a little while -  that I didn’t have when I was a kid.  If my parents only knew what their divorce did to me when I was still a kid………..*sigh*………..

I guess that’s the anger in me that stops me from telling them the truth about me…………Maybe some day I'll tell them...........or maybe not............. 

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