Somewhere Over The Rainbow 1

FuelMix was chatting to a fag financial planner (FFP), marketing his services to the gay ghetto in Vancouver. We think the points made in it are universal. The conversation went like this: 

FM: Raking it in? 

FFP: Yeah…it’s easier than I thought. 

FM: Oh….? 

FFP: The older fags, mid 40s and up, seem to have some sense about planning their future. But they’re leaving it too late. 

FM: Meaning…………? 

FFP: Till they get hit with HIV or surgery or some other health problem. Then they wake up….but by that time they’re desperate so they scramble around looking for any financial product. 

FM: Can they analyse? 

FFP: Nope....no fuckin’ clue.  

FM: So what do they buy? 

FFP: Usually mutual funds 

FM: You sell ‘em? 

FFP: Yup. I have a catalogue with several hundred mutual funds I can offer. 

FM: So…how does the fag pick his mutual funds? 

FFP: You know, I just give them the book, they flip thru it, pick one or two. 

FM: That’s it? 

FFP: Pretty much. 

FM: No analysis? 

FFP: Nope 

FM: How come? 

FFP: They think there’s a cachet in having their money “professionally managed”…and besides, you know Danny is having that dinner party tonite, and they’re gonna sit around talking opera. 

FM: Are these fags rich? 

FFP: No, not by a long shot. There’s the super-rich fags who are smart and savvy, and there’s these other guys…..you know, “hey I’m investing, I’ve got a mutual fund”. 

FM: Where do the smart savvy super-rich fags hang out? 

FFP: Anywhere but the ghetto. 

FM: Why are you in the ghetto? 

FFP: It’s easy money. These guys don’t know much, they’re too embarrassed to ask questions and then there’s the realization they’ve left it too late. Their hands are kinda tied. 

FM: Do they make healthy gains on their mutual funds? 

FFP: Most of them lose. These fund managers nickel and dime them to death whether they get in, or get out. 

FM: So don’t these fags analyze their statements from the fund company? 

FFP: No not really. They’ll call me up and whine. I listen and tell them to hang in there. And after all their money’s “professionally managed” right? 

FM: They buy that? 

FFP: Yeah pretty much. It’s like a menstrual cycle. I’ll get a call every 3 months from a fag who’ll complain that his investment is tanking. And I’ll soothe his feathers and that’ll be it. 

FM: If this is what they’re doing, will they have any real money to retire on? 

FFP: No. There’s a lot of bullshit out there. They like to brag that they’ve taken “early retirement” and they’re now ‘travelling and seeing the world” – but they’re expenses are like…whoa….and they don’t have a fuckin’ clue where the money’s going. A lot of them are on meth and stuff, so a lot of cash just kinda goes up in smoke. 

FM: What about the younger fags? 

FFP: Don’t get me started……………………..

Coming up in Part 2: The younger fag and their finances.

Originally published 14 April 2007

Amended and Republished 15 February 2014

Copyright © 2006 – 2014 FuelMix All Rights Reserved